6 Steps To A Successful Apology

As a therapist and human being, there are a few things I know to be true about people in relationships. One is that we all need acceptance, love, and security, and the second is that no one is perfect at providing those things all of the time. Essentially, we all screw up at some point. Recently, I had a great session educating a couple on conflict resolution skills, specifically focusing on being able to take credit for their part of the argument. Guess what I did right after that? I went home and did the exact opposite of that to my husband.

I’ve gone through a lot of years of school and pieces of training. I know what makes relationships successful and what couples need to do to get there. Yet, there I was getting defensive about forgetting to take out the trash rather than owning it and apologizing. In a world where we will never be able to do everything perfectly, the ability to give a sincere apology is a skill that will benefit you no matter what season you are in.

A research study completed in 2016 identified six components that were scientifically found to make apologies significantly more effective according to the person receiving the apology.  I’ve listed them below from the most important in terms of creating an effective apology to the least important. So if you can only remember a few, remember the first few!

The most important element of a successful and effective apology is the acknowledgment of responsibility. This is the equivalent of admitting where you were at fault. When hearing an apology, in order for people to know that it is genuine, they need to hear that you can own your part and you are not making excuses or putting the blame on anyone else. Taking responsibility for your actions was ranked as the most important element of an effective and genuine apology.

The second most important factor in an effective apology is the offer of repair. You made a mistake. What can you offer to make it better? This element of an apology is especially important if the action you are apologizing for has been done before, or the person is having a hard time believing you are sorry. When you can offer something to fix the situation or make sure it does not happen again, people are significantly more likely to believe you truly mean what you are saying.

The next three elements, expression of regret, declaration of repentance, and explanation of what went wrong, were found to be about equal in terms of significance in an effective apology. In using these three factors, a person should explain how they regret what they did, how they have changed or altered their mindset due to the remorse they are experiencing, and then give the reasoning as to why what happened occurred. Be mindful that when you are explaining what happened, it can come out sounding like blame or excuses and negate the effectiveness of your apology. It is important to make sure all the other components of an effective apology exist along with your explanation, or the person listening will likely not care too much about your explanation.

Lastly, a request for forgiveness. This was found to be the least important element, of those included in the study, in terms of whether or not someone ranked an apology as effective and genuine. Although asking for forgiveness is nice, oftentimes this factor is related more to our own feelings of guilt and wanting to ensure that the other person is not angry or disappointed in us.

To sum it up – an effective apology should look like this:

“I am so sorry that I forgot to take the trash out. I know you asked me to, and I did forget to do that this morning (acknowledgment of responsibility). Can I take the trash outside now, or is there something else I can do to help you right now to make up for it (offer of repair)?  I feel really bad that I forgot and you had to take it out (expression of regret), I won’t let it happen again (declaration of repentance). I know it shouldn’t be an excuse, but I was running late this morning and it slipped my mind (explanation of what happened). Will you forgive me (request for forgiveness)?

If you find you and your partner struggle with conflict or have a hard time reaching a place where you can give a heartfelt apology, there may be some deeper hurts at play that take longer to forgive and process. If this is the case or you simply want a more in-depth look at how you and your partner can “fight fair” and repair conflicts, we would love to help. Click here to book your appointment today.