Divorce And Co-Parenting: How To Protect Your Kids

Although every divorce situation is unique, I’ve never seen one in my years of doing therapy that I’d call easy. Even the most cordial couple going through a divorce experiences deep pain and stress as they divide their life into two. This becomes exponentially more difficult when there are children involved. It not only makes the divorce process more complicated, but many children react negatively to parents separating, which creates even more stress. There will never be a perfect one-size-fits-all fix that parents can use to help their children through the process of a divorce. However, research has shown there are a few things parents can do in any divorce situation that will give their children the best chance of adapting to their new life healthily.

Talk About it

This is a common piece of advice for any major event or change that is going to occur in a family. Talk to your children about it. If you can without becoming hostile, do it together. Explain to your child or children that the divorce is not their fault and that no matter what happens, both parents love them and will be there for them. Divorce is a very confusing time for children, and they will likely have a lot of questions and new feelings they may not have experienced before. These emotions may include confusion, self-blame, sadness, and grief. Without a safe place to express themselves, children may act out or seem to regress as a result of these heavy emotions. As a parent, if you can create this safe place for a child to talk, ask questions, and express themselves, the chances of them acting out to express negative emotions or to get attention are lowered.

Routine

Children thrive on routine – knowing when they eat dinner, when their bedtime is, and what the schedule is helps create normalcy and safety for a child. When a family goes through a divorce, many routines can become disrupted, whether that is because a parent has to go back to work or because there are two households; this can add to the confusion for children. During this time, creating as much continuity as possible is key. One bedtime, no matter who the children are with, keeping up with the extracurricular activities the children enjoy, and if possible, keeping the children in the school they are already in. If some of these things are not possible, to keep creating new routines with your children, talking them through it, and keeping them as consistent as possible will ease the stress they may be feeling with all the other changes going on in their lives.

Respect the other Parent

As difficult as it may feel at times, maintaining respect for the other parent throughout the process of divorce and thereafter will benefit your children significantly. Respecting your co-parent in front of your children shields them from conflict and will allow them to feel like they can speak openly to you about their life with the other parent without judgment. In addition, it teaches them how to be kind to others despite previous frustrations. Remember that your child is half you and half your ex they may see themselves this way and so when you criticize their other parent they may take it as criticizing them.

Consider the future

If you are worried about how co-parenting may be with your ex in the future, consider writing a Co-parenting Plan. This is a document that can outline boundaries and expectations of what co-parenting between you and your ex may look like. Depending on the relationship that you and your partner have, this may be something that would be more beneficial if facilitated through a third party. Regardless of who assists in creating this, a co-parenting plan should include how time is broken up between the two parents, such as number of overnights, fun time, routine time, etc., and how decisions will be made.

No matter how well planned or organized you are, dividing a household is hard and is a very stressful time. As much as you focus on taking care of your children, remember to also take care of yourself. If you are in this situation and are feeling overwhelmed, confused, or would like some support and guidance, we can help. We have therapists who can help you create a safe space with your child, help you have amicable conversations with your current or ex-partner, and help you maintain healthy coping skills during this stressful time.