A Perfect Storm: The Painful Truth About Emotional Affairs
Most people know what a physical or sexual affair is. Affairs are often part of movie plots. You may even know someone who has been hurt by the betrayed in their relationship. Either way, there are some familiar warning signs. However, emotional affairs tend to be a lot more confusing for people. Most people do not have a clear understanding of what emotional affairs are, what the warning signs are, or what makes a non-physical relationship inappropriate. Unfortunately, emotional affairs are common and can be as damaging as physical affairs. Some couples struggle even more to understand and heal from emotional affairs than they do sexual affairs. Women in particular tend to struggle more with healing after an emotional betrayal whereas physical betrayal tends to be a more difficult for men to recover from.
A recent study found that the definition of an emotional affair can be quite broad making it difficult to declare what an emotional affair truly is. You may wonder, if it can’t be defined, how do I avoid it? The first step is understanding the difference between an innocent “just friends” relationship and one that is more intimate and potentially dangerous to your relationship.
There are many factors that can promote emotional affairs; some are stronger than others. The three biggest factors that create “the perfect storm” for an emotional affair are: emotional intimacy, secrecy, and chemistry. Establishing boundaries around these three can protect a platonic relationship from becoming an affair. Without these boundaries, the chances of an inappropriate emotional connection increases.
Emotional Intimacy
Most people consider emotional intimacy as the most powerful bond partners can share. This bond allows us to share our hopes, fears, aspirations, and worries with our partner. Boundaries become blurry when emotional intimacy develops with someone outside of the relationship. People often stop sharing feelings with their partner when they are confiding in someone else. This creates a sense of disconnect in the committed relationship.
So, can you have friends outside of your marriage? Of course! You may have a close bond with a childhood friend, an old college roommate, or a family member. Healthy intimate relationships with these individuals is fine – as long as you are not sharing intimate details and/or struggles about your romantic relationship. These concerns need to be discussed with your partner. Creating emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner may lead to an emotional affair. Be sure you are being transparent with your partner about the relationship. Ask your partner what they are comfortable with and respect their boundaries.
Secrecy
Another common component to emotional affairs is secrecy. If the relationship is simply platonic, there should be no reason to keep a friendship a secret. Secrecy can create pressure and distance between the committed partners. It also increases the intensity and excitement of the new relationship. Ask yourself, Can I be truthful with my partner about this friendship? If the answer is no, this friendship may pose a threat to your relationship.
Chemistry
A third red flag of an emotional affair is chemistry. There will people we feel connected to or people who just seem to “get us.” This is natural and an important part of how we build bonds with others, feel inspired, and grow. Chemistry alone is not a sole determining factor of an emotional affair. However, when joined with emotional intimacy and secrecy, the risk of crossing the line into an emotional affair increases.
When emotional intimacy, secrecy, and chemistry join forces, they often lead to a betrayal of trust between committed partners. Simply put, they cross relational boundaries. Whether theses boundaries were agreed upon early in the relationship or simply assumed, it is very painful and confusing to discover these lines have been crossed. If you are feeling hurt or confusion over relational boundaries that have been crossed, we would love to help you begin your journey of healing and recovery. Call us to schedule an appointment.
Want more information? Read our other related blog posts: Why Did My Partner Have an Affair and Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair and What to Do About It .
