Our culture is filled with images, TV shows, movies, songs, and other types of media that are hypersexual. We all know that sex sells. The media creates great sexual expectations—ones that inaccurately portray real life and real sex with real people within a real relationship. Although our culture is bombarded with sex and sexual images, most people aren’t having much sex. Or if they are, most aren’t enjoying it.
40 million couples in America are considered asexual—having sex 10 times or less in a year. Yes, a year. Of those that are having sex, many are unhappy. It’s estimated that 52% of Americans report being unsatisfied with their sex lives.
People are unhappy with their sex life for many reasons. Some of us know what we want but don’t know how to tell our partners. Some of us don’t know how to figure out what we want. Sometimes we know what we want but don’t feel connected with our partners outside the bedroom – so our sex life is merely a reflection of the lack of overall connection in the relationship.
Talking about sex can be uncomfortable…
For some people, talking about their sex life (even with their spouse) can be as dreaded as going to the dentist or scrubbing toilets. I get it—talking about sex can at times be uncomfortable. We don’t want to upset our mates or make them feel that their lovemaking is inadequate. Your spouse isn’t a mind reader—so he/she doesn’t know what you like, what you’re not happy with, or what you’d like to see improved—if you don’t talk about it.
…but it doesn’t have to be!
If you want to improve your sex life, here are 10 questions you can discuss with your mate. Be sure to pick a time and place where you can have an open conversation without interruptions.
- In your opinion, are we having sex enough? If not, how often would help you feel fulfilled? (Be realistic!)
- Are there outside factors negatively impacting our sex life? Examples might include job stress, children, extended family demands, etc. If so, how can we better manage those outside factors?
- On a scale of 1-10 (10 being amazing and 1 being downright pitiful), how do you feel about the current quality of our sex life?
- Where would you like the quality of our sex life to be on a scale between 1-10? What’s one thing we could do to increase the score by one point? (e.g., from a 7 to an 8)
- Are there things we do during lovemaking that you would like to do less?
- Are there things we do that you’d like to do more?
- Are there things that we have done in the past that you’d like to do again?
- Are there things we haven’t done that you’d like to try?
- Are there things I could do more (outside the bedroom) that would help put you in the mood?
- How can I better show you love during our lovemaking?
For ways to connect to your partner outside of the bedroom, I recommend reading Six Questions to Ask Your Partner to Connect.
If you’re struggling to connect in or outside of the bedroom and need therapy, click here to learn more about our services. Perhaps you are noticing other areas of your relationship that you would like to navigate with the help of a therapist. We have a team of relationship experts available to help you achieve the healthy relationship you desire. Contact us today for a couples therapy appointment.