Help! I want an exceptional marriage!
Lots of couples ask me how to keep a relationship healthy. I get it—a lifelong commitment can be a bit intimidating or a scary venture—especially in a society where divorce is ramped, infidelity is common, and for those that remain committed, few are really happy. I’m convinced that a successful marriage is absolutely possible, but it does take work. Here are a few suggestions to help your marriage be exceptional:
Premarital counseling is a must. Younger people in the U.S. who are marrying for the first time face roughly a 40-50% chance of divorcing in their lifetime under current trends (and the divorce rates are even higher for those entering their second or third marriages). Unfortunately, many divorces occur because couples have never learned the skills and principles associated with successful relationships.
We all learn skills regarding romantic relationships from our parents, extended family, and friends. Some of these skills we learned might have been positive, others negative. Often, when it comes to our own marriage, we just assume we’ll know what to do. The truth is, there are basic relationship strategies that can be taught, through premarital counseling. These skills can help you have a happier, more successful marriage. You can obtain a discount in Florida on your marriage license for completing a premarital course with a registered provider. If you’re already married and need to learn some skills, there are some fantastic relationship education classes and seminars out there.
Many people say until death do us part, but how many enter a marriage with a plan B? Or how many people, after a few years of marriage, start to figure out a plan B? I’m not saying that there aren’t some justified reasons for divorce. But I am saying that many divorces could be prevented if couples were willing to uphold their commitment, and do whatever it takes to fix the marriage. It’s hard work, but I’m convinced it’s absolutely possible.
There are three types of safety in a relationship—physical, (I’m free from physical harm), emotional (I can say what I want to say, and be who I really am, and that is accepted in this relationship), and commitment safety (I know this person is going to be here, no matter what). Too many times, I’ve sat in a therapy session, listening to the couple’s latest argument, informed that one or both of them threatened a divorce during the heat of the argument. Some people use the “d” word in arguments to get the other’s attention. Immediately, the commitment safety of the relationship has been threatened. Once that happens, at least one spouse wonders whether or not the relationship will survive.
We live in such a busy society, as time passes in a relationship, it’s easy to lose focus. Without quality time, couples can’t connect emotionally to one another. When that happens, friendship fades, and ultimately, that impacts passion, romance, and sex. I recommend weekly dates to couples. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date—it could be having an ice cream together, hanging out at a coffee shop, or going for a picnic in the park—but it signals to your partner that the relationship is a priority—and it does wonders for your marriage.
I also recommend scheduled sex. It’s a controversial idea, but I think scheduled sex is important. As time goes on, sex tends to decrease in marriages. There are 40 million Americans in a low-sex or no-sex marriage—yep, 40 million! We schedule our haircuts, dentist appointments, work meetings, and kid play dates, yet we leave one of the most important aspects of our romantic life to chance. If we both have enough energy tonight…if we go to bed at the same time…if we’re both in the mood. We can’t afford to cross our fingers and hope that the stars align so that our relationship (and sex life) remains intact—we have to do the work and make it a priority. Besides, scheduled sex is helpful for the relationship, and particularly for women, as it allows women to mentally focus on having sex that day, and increases anticipation and ultimately the sexual experience.
Okay, here’s where the rubber meets the road. What is one thing you can do today to make your marriage extraordinary? It’s the small steps you make each day that make a big difference.
What other tips have you heard or found helpful for your relationship? I’d love to hear your thoughts.