Life is busy. Sometimes it seems every moment is planned or even overbooked at times! We schedule meetings, doctor appointments, social events, school events, reunions, paying the bills, gym time, and when to buy groceries. How we spend our time is a reflection of where our priorities lie. In relationships, there are times when sex is not on the priority list because everything else takes over. When the idea of scheduled sex comes up in therapy usually one partner is all in and the other partner has multiple objections. In this article, the couple outlines their experience trying to schedule time for sex over the course of the month and in their own way found it to be a success.
Some of the objections we hear to scheduling time for sex:
- It is not romantic.
- Sex shouldn’t be on the “to-do” list.
- Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and if we schedule it and one of us doesn’t want to do it then the other will be angry or hurt.
- People that schedule sex are “type A”.
There are multiple ways that planning time for sex helps improve sexual intimacy in a relationship.
The benefits of scheduling sex:
Helps to manage different libidos or sex drives.
Inevitably one partner wants sex more often than the other (these roles can change throughout your relationship). The partner with the higher sex drive can feel as if they are begging for sex and being constantly rejected. The one with a lower sex drive feels as if they are constantly disappointing their partner and having to be on the defense. However, when talking through scheduling sex and finding compromise, it relieves the pressure from both partners because they know there is a set time set aside for sex. The higher sex drive partner no longer has to “beg” and the lower sex drive partner can prepare for sexual intimacy knowing when it is going to happen.
Makes your sexual relationship a priority.
Where you spend your time and money is where your priorities lie. So, when the calendar fills with appointments and to-do lists those things are your priority. Scheduling a sex appointment means that you are making each other a priority and what is more romantic than that? When you carve out some of the precious time you have to connect with your partner, especially on an intimate level that sends the message you are both important enough to each other to make your sex life a priority.
Aids in opening the conversation about sex in your relationship.
Most people struggle with talking about sex. There is a fear of rejection, awkwardness, fear of saying something hurtful and many other barriers that make people hesitate to talk about sex. However, once you begin to have conversations about planning sex, the topic becomes easier to discuss. Talk through what you like, what you don’t like and how often you would like sex.
Improves the feeling of connection.
Having confidence that you can come together to create compromise and have something to look forward to allows for an increased feeling of teamwork and connection. The act of sex itself often helps men feel more connected but for women, that emotional connection leads to better sexual intimacy. Having a talk about the when, where and how of sex gets to the heart of both of those scenarios.
It can make sex exciting again.
Just because it is scheduled sex does not mean it must be boring sex. This is a good time to talk through some of your fantasies and try new things together as a couple. Making this an exciting event will increase the anticipation.
Tips for scheduling time for sex:
- Talk through the best times for sex taking into consideration schedules and body clocks. Be realistic.
- To improve your overall relationship, plan other activities to improve your relationship outside of sex. For instance, plan date nights or check in conversations. Anytime an event goes on the calendar you both know that you are making the relationship a priority, it is not just about the sex.
- As you look at the calendar try to pick a few times a week that work for you both and then try to make sure you have sex at least once a week.
- Once you decide upon the times, commit to those times with one another.
- Allow for “freebies”. If it has been a rough day, or someone is sick or the children interrupt then let it be ok to not have sex. At least you are creating the time and space for intimacy to happen. Perhaps you can use the time you set aside for sex to connect in other ways – relax, take a bath, destress from whatever is going on around you.
- Most importantly, take this time to make a physical display of the love you have for your partner and have fun connecting.
If you and your partner struggle to make your relationship a priority, now is the time to ask for some guidance. We are here to help you talk about stressful or uncomfortable topics…like your sex life. Now is the time to rekindle the passion you have for each other. Schedule an appointment today.
For more information, see our related article, 10 questions to instantly improve your sex life.