4 Fundamentals to Effective Co-parenting After Divorce
Divorce is hard. Co-parenting with your ex-spouse can be an even bigger challenge. But researchers have discovered that there are positive benefits for children when both parents can play an active role in their children’s day-to-day lives and can cooperate.
Research has shown that some of the benefits of co-parenting include:
- Greater paternal involvement.
- Greater emotional and economic stability.
- Children continue relationships with both parents.
- Children are less likely to feel torn between their parents.
- Children are less likely to feel abandoned.
- Children are less likely to feel they have to meet the social and emotional needs of their parents.
Common Mistakes Parents Make When Co-parenting
- Putting the children in the middle of disagreements.
- Making negative comments or arguing when the children are present.
- Sending messages through the children.
Avoiding these mistakes is not complicated, but will require intentional behaviors by each parent. A key starting point is to communicate directly with your former spouse; avoid using your child as a messenger. It also helps to handle child support and other financial issues with the other parent, a mediator, or the legal system. Your child does not need to be included in those conversations.
4 Fundamentals to Effective Co-parenting After Divorce
Parents are involved in their children’s lives.
Children benefit when they have relationships with both parents. Engage in family activities through occasional meals together, birthday parties, sports, and school events. This reassures the children that although you don’t live together, you are still working together to make sure they are okay. It also lets them know that it’s okay to love both parents.
Parents consider one another’s parenting needs.
Be flexible and fair when co-parenting. Sometimes, unexpected situations arise requiring some flexibility. Be willing to trade some responsibilities or time with the other parent when needed. This may feel like a stretch, especially when you may not want to be considerate. Keep in mind that you are modeling for your children what a healthy working relationship looks like, even when people may not get along.
Parents communicate constructively in matters related to their children.
I suggest email as the preferred communication device. Remember to keep all messages short and informational. Limit messages to important details such as the child’s medical/school issues, and/or a detail about an upcoming custody exchange. Keep in mind that every email could be used as a possible exhibit in a future custody dispute.
Parents put aside their anger and hostility so they can cooperate for the sake of their children.
Respect. Treat your former spouse with respect, even if you disagree with them. Each partner has their complaints about the other. Set aside the anger, resentment, hurt, and rage. Those feelings should be dealt with in a therapy office or with your caring friends and family.
Always provide a united front to the important people in your child’s life. Teachers, coaches, and even the parents of your child’s close friends should not feel pulled into your conflict. It should never be about proving to the third party that you are the “better” parent.
Work to have consistent rules with each parent. However, you might not be able to establish consistency between both homes. If so, help your children understand that different rules must be applied in each household. Kids can easily relate to understanding that different rules are in place at different places, like day care, the library, or school. Use this premise to establish the need to follow different rules in each parent’s home.
When Additional Help is Needed
Putting aside hurt feelings can be difficult. When triggered, the residual feelings can show up, making it difficult to maintain effective communication skills. Check out our blog for some helpful tips: I Can’t Hear You: Tips to Productively Talk and Listen During Conflict.
Navigating co-parenting after divorce can be challenging. Do you need help sorting through the process or perhaps even addressing the residual feelings from the divorce? We can help. Call our office at (904) 302-5340 or visit our website to learn more.
