The Truth about Forgiveness…(and How to Do it)

We’ve all been there – wounded and reeling after being mistreated by someone in our lives. No one is immune to being wronged. It happens in every relationship to some degree…sometimes intentional, sometimes not. When people walk into my office, they often bring up painful memories of injustices and times when they’ve felt wronged by the people they love the most. Inevitably, the topic of forgiveness always comes up, and when it does, I always ask clients what forgiveness means to them. Never has there been a time (at least so far) when anyone has been able to answer the question.

Forgiveness is one of those strange, mysterious topics for a lot of people – we think we understand it, until we really stop to think about it. Then we realize that we don’t. Most people I’ve talked with don’t know how to define forgiveness. People often say, “Oh, so-and-so hurt me back then, but I forgave him/her.” Then we explore it and often discover that they haven’t fully forgiven the person who wronged them. Or at least they aren’t quite sure if they have.

I’ve come to realize that what most people mean when they make this statement is that they’ve made a cognitive decision or set an intention to forgive the person who caused the hurt. They may have internalized the notion that they should forgive, but in reality, nothing has changed. To bring about the change people are seeking from forgiveness, it’s necessary to understand what forgiveness actually is.

Facts (and Myths) about Forgiveness

What is forgiveness?

The definition is really quite simple: Forgiveness means to cancel a debt. When injustice has been inflicted on another, the injured party, rather than demanding some kind of repayment, drops the charges and lets go of the need to “balance the scales.”

Why is forgiveness important?

Research has found that unforgiveness creates internalized stress that wreaks havoc on our body’s systems. Evidence suggests that unforgiveness impacts the immune system, increases the risk of heart disease, and takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.

“Forgive and forget” is a myth

Where did this phrase come from? It is terrible advice! Most people lump the two together and assume that they go hand in hand. They do not. Yes, “forgive and move on” may be good advice – as in, if you truly have forgiven someone, quit holding their offense over their head. Move forward in your life. Let go of your status as a “victim.” However, forgetting that the offense occurred is a) impossible, and b) unwise.

Think of it this way: if you invited a person into your home and they robbed you, you may decide to forgive them. You may not even require them to pay back the things they’ve stolen. However, you probably (and wisely so) would not agree to let them into your home again!

Forgiveness does NOT mean that you must restore trust. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things. Sometimes, trust can be restored, and the broken relationship can be repaired. Working through this process can even make a relationship stronger than it originally was. Other times, the injuring party is simply not safe enough to reconcile with, and it’s in your best interest to end the relationship. Examples may include that they have no remorse and/or they are unable to stop the damaging and unjust behavior.

Forgiveness can’t be dictated

Nobody can force you to forgive someone. I think back to my childhood and the well-meaning adults in my life who would tell us (myself and whoever I happened to not be getting along with – usually my sister), “Now, you need to forgive each other.” It was not a suggestion; it was a command.

Forgiveness, if it’s to be authentic, needs to be a freely made choice. If it’s coerced, it, by nature, isn’t forgiveness. You can say you’ve forgiven that person to appease those commanding you to do so, but if you’re carrying bitterness and ill will, the words are meaningless. Commanding someone to forgive can be quite damaging. It robs the wounded party of the opportunity to truly work through their pain and resentment. It sets the stage for future problems to grow out of the original offense. It’s like trying to kill a dandelion by ripping it off at the stem. The roots continue to grow deeper and spread wider, and at the very least, another dandelion is going to crop up in its place.

Forgiveness is a process

It takes a moment to decide to forgive someone. However, it takes longer to truly let go of the anger, resentment, and hurt. I had a friend once who I felt had wronged me very badly. Immediately, I decided I would forgive this person. For me, this meant choosing to start walking down the road of forgiveness. The process took months. Occasionally, for whatever reason, my husband would bring up this person’s name in conversation, and I would instantly become upset. I had a hard time wishing this person well because I didn’t think she deserved it.

He would tell me that I hadn’t forgiven the person, but I felt like that wasn’t quite accurate. I knew that I was on the journey and committed to releasing my resentment, but it was going to take time. Eventually, I came to realize that at some point, I had fully forgiven her. I was able to think about and talk about her without any of those old feelings that used to be so intense. More importantly, I could wish her well in life and wanted the best for her, even though she hadn’t apologized or tried to make it up to me in any way.

Do you need help with your forgiveness process?

I hope this information brings some clarity to the subject of forgiveness for you. Even with the cognitive understanding of forgiveness, the process can be very complex and difficult. This is especially true if you’re trying to decide whether to repair a broken relationship marred by distrust and painful wounds. You may have already decided to try to reconcile, but the problem is too much to resolve on your own.

You don’t have to go through this process alone. We would be honored to walk alongside you on this journey – call or schedule now.